What nobody tells you
- Formal titles and actual influence often don't overlap — the quietest person in the room can hold the real sway.
- Hierarchies exist even in supposedly flat friend groups and organizations; pretending otherwise doesn't remove them.
- Trying to skip levels or bypass the informal order too fast usually backfires, even when your instinct is right.
The basics
- Influence flows from expertise, tenure, relationships, and gatekeeping — not only from formal rank.
- New members of any group are watched closely in the first weeks; early impressions of respect and fit set a long-lasting tone.
- Hierarchies aren't inherently unfair — some reflect genuine earned trust, and understanding that helps you navigate rather than resent them.
The framework
Observe, Respect, Earn
Spend early time observing where real influence sits, show appropriate respect for it, then earn your own standing through consistent contribution.
- 01
Observe: watch who others defer to, who gets consulted, and who controls resources or access.
- 02
Respect: acknowledge existing structure even while working within or around it.
- 03
Earn: build your own standing through reliability and competence, not shortcuts.
The playbook
The conversation — what to actually say
Navigating a new team's informal structure
“Who's usually the best person to loop in on decisions like this? — a low-key way to surface real influence without asking directly about hierarchy.”
Disagreeing with someone senior in a hierarchy
“I want to raise a different view, with respect for how this has been handled before — is there room for that here?”
Building an alliance across levels
“I'd love to get your take on how things really work around here — you clearly know this place well.”
The mistakes — what people get wrong
- Assuming formal title always maps directly onto real influence in a group.
- Trying to bypass the informal order too aggressively before you've built any standing.
- Being obsequious toward the perceived top of a hierarchy while dismissive toward others.
- Ignoring hierarchy entirely and being surprised when your ideas get less traction than expected.
Ask yourself
- Have I spent enough time observing before trying to act on this hierarchy?
- Am I building relationships across levels, or only at the top?
- Is my standing here based on earned trust, or borrowed from someone else's influence?
Go deeper
- Book
The 48 Laws of Power — Robert Greene
Cynical but sharp on how influence actually operates in groups.
- Practice
The observation week
In any new group, spend the first week mostly watching who defers to whom.
- Exercise
Map the real chart
Draw the actual influence map of a group you're in, separate from its formal structure.
General educational information, not legal, tax, medical, or financial advice. Rules vary by country and change over time — verify with a qualified professional before acting.